Category: Health & Beauty


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I am not so sick!!!!

My pathology labs came back already – holy crap, that was fast!

I was just in yesterday for the biopsy; that was pretty sucktastic – lots of needle pokes. My neck is stiff and sore. It hurts to talk, to cough, to laugh. Sneezing just about brings me to tears.

But… good news!

I am cancer free!!!!!!

Yay!

I’m Sick, part 2

More news since ‘I’m Sick’….

I went in for my biopsy today.
It was pretty awful but, fortunately, brief.
Six pokes on each side of my neck (lidocaine and the actualy biopsy).
Now it looks like I was mauled by a vampire.
And it hurts to move my head.
I should, hopefully, have the results next week.

Thyroid Biopsy

It doesn’t look like much, much it is really swollen, and very sore.
Swallowing is slightly difficult, but not impossible.
Turning my head is not easy.

I’m sick…

We just don’t know how sick yet.

—-

I’ve been mulling over whether or not to blog about this, since nothing is definite, but this is a fairly private blog, and no one in my family reads it, so I feel like I can go ahead and vent a little.

A few months ago, I noticed a swelling in my neck. It was around the beginning of the school year, so I assumed it was a swollen lymph node – my friends’ kids were all getting the back-to-school ick, so my friends were sick, so I was sick. As it happens.
Every.
Damn.
Year.

Flash forward a few weeks…
I’m at the end of my Ireland trip, hubby gets a cold, so I do, too. Sharing is caring, right?
I ended up with a sinus infection, ear infection, and a pretty nasty cough.
That cough didn’t go away for weeks.
And I mean weeks.
When I hit the three-week mark of this pretty nasty cough (lots of flem, coughing so hard that I felt like I was going to puke, etc.), I scheduled an appointment with a GP.

Turns out, I had bronchitis.
Oh, and that lump?
Had nothing to do with it… so off to get blood work done.
Aaaaaaaand I had to schedule and ultrasound.

Fun.

After about a week, I get the results in the mail. Bloodwork looks normal; yay!
Ultrasound results look scary. Boo!
Apparently, I have a large thyroid nodule on the right, and two smaller nodules on the left.
The notes included words like “cystic” and “solid” and “FNA recommended”.
FNA means “fine needle aspiration” – a biopsy.

But, I’m not a doctor, and I don’t play one on TV, so I schedule another appointment with a GP to discuss.

F*ck.
It looks “concerning”.
Consult with an endocrinologist.

The endo doc was nice. He was very clinical, and straightforward. He didn’t seem overly concerned, as thyroid cancer is rare and easily treated. But, the size of the lumps in my throat were enough to warrant a biopsy.

While these nodules are huge, they are big enough to affect my swallowing.
And I constantly feel like I have to clear my throat, which is irritating the sh*t out of it.

I’m tired, like, all the time.
And I have very little interest in food. I’ll get hungry, and eat, but I get no enjoyment like I used to.

In the event that I have something like hypothyroidism, that might explain why, despite the fact that I’m in the studio and dancing 4-5 nights a week, I haven’t been able to lose any weight (as a matter of fact, I’ve been gaining some).

It could explain the fatigue.

But I won’t know until I have the biopsy (two days before Thanksgiving) and get the results.

I hate waiting.

I wanted to expand a little on my Facebook status update from last night (3/31) for a few reasons, not the least of which being that it was late and I was typing it on my phone.

—-Original Post—-

“Confidence is sexy.”
How often, as women, do we hear that?
How many times today did I read that as a response to a friend’s status? Four. Four different friends had that response.
Do you know why I hate that phrase?
Because it’s a bullshit line.
Confidence *should* be sexy. But when a woman asks for what she wants or, Heaven forbid, demand it, she’s told that she is needy, demanding, and pushy (and a slew of other things).
We are, essentially, trained to shrink within ourselves. To be self-conscious and to think so little of ourselves so that we will not be seen as over-bearing.
Yes. We need to be confident and strong.
But YOU need to treat us like our wants are valid. Like we aren’t asking too much. Like it is acceptable and normal to have high hopes and goals.
I am confident.
But many times I feel I have to hide it because I just don’t have the patience to fight with people anymore.
You know what, though?
I am really, really tired of holding back.
So, fuck it.
I’m gonna be a goddamned star.

————–

Some of you may be wondering why I would be offended at someone telling me, even in a positive way, that my confidence is sexy.
Or maybe you’re not; it doesn’t particularly matter to me, but this post will probably bore and/or confuse you.

First of all, my attractiveness is not anyone’s business but my own. How I look, how I feel, cannot, should not, and will not be validated by how others see me.
I don’t need to *be* a certain thing to please others.

Secondly, by implying that only when I am “confident” (does it always have a particular look?) can I be attractive, you are invalidating all other emotions I may experience.
It’s like when someone (male or female, mind you) tells you that “you should smile more often; you’re so much prettier when you smile.”
It’s condescending.

Side note:
I had Glamour Shots photos taken several years ago. One photo hung on a wall, framed, in the art gallery where I worked. I cannot tell you how often I heard this (and variations of it):
“Oh my God, is that you?! You look really different. You look so pretty!”
They were trying to be nice… I suppose, but it hurt. They were essentially saying that I was not beautiful naturally. That the air brushed, coated-in-make-up me was stunning.

I trust very few people out there when it comes to my appearance – sexy or not.
And even then, I really only trust myself.

I don’t dress a certain way to please others. It’s pretty obvious that I live at the ass-end of the fashion world.
I wear blue jeans and hoodies, I wear my dance gear, I wear old sweatshirts that have been shredded by time.
I wear what makes me comfortable.
I have tattoos that mean things to me. I don’t give a damn if anyone else “gets” them. They’re for me and me alone.
I color my hair. Often.
I like how I look with different colors.
I wear next-to-no makeup on a daily basis. I don’t need to put color in my cheeks to please the masses.
I am more than okay with how pale I am.
That said, I enjoy wearing makeup. I like showing off different features in different ways, and playing with colors to see how they look on my face.
I do not do that for anyone but myself.

It may be a bit hypocritical to say that I do appreciate it when people tell me things like, “You look really good today.” or “That’s a great color on you.”
It is a bit of an ego boost, and I’m okay with that.
But…. I do not feel horrible or sad or like less of a woman if I don’t hear those things. Hell, I don’t even think about it.

If I want an opinion about how I look, I’ll ask.

I’m really fortunate to have people in my life that are supportive of me and my choices.
Rarely have my friends or family told me that I’d “look better if…”

————-

Confidence is:
The state of feeling certain about the truth of something.
I am confident that my looks have nothing to do with my feeling of confidence.

A feeling of self-assurance arising from one’s appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities.
I am confident that, regardless of how other people see me, I am beautiful, talented, intelligent, compassionate, and driven.

If someone chooses to see me differently, that’s their problem, not mine.

Rainbow Dash

Ouch!

I’ve been pretty busy getting  my Adara Din blog up and running; I feel like I’ve neglected Searching For Brigid a bit.
It’s also this time of year, so I’ve had a lot on my plate on the home-front.

We were in a minor car accident last night… nothing terrible, and only our car was involved.
I’m pretty sore, but I’m not broken or even bruised. The car, however, is quite unhappy. There’s some cosmetic damage (dented front and rear bumpers), and the alignment is off, but we were able to drive home without too many issues.

Fortunately, hubby’s parents are able to give up a vehicle for the next few days until we can get his into the shop.

I’m going to go rest now.
Blessed Yule, everyone!

I’m feeling off.
Part of me is genuinely happy with how life is right now. I’m comfortable, surrounded by people who love and respect me. I’ve found a whole mess of people who support me.

But there’s another part of me that wants to curl up and hide in a corner.

The scared little girl that wonders if she’ll ever be good enough, strong enough, pretty enough.
If she’ll ever be enough.

There are occasions – not as many as there used to be, mind you – where I feel so down on myself.
I have so many wonderful people around me, and sometimes I feel like I could never be as wonderful as they are.

I see these beautiful, healthy, smart women in my life.
Photos pop up on social media sites, hanging out at the malls, at dance events, at the bar, wherever.
I feel so… ugly.

All over, I feel ugly.
It’s like nothing I could ever say, or do, or be, will ever be meaningful or beautiful.

I don’t like to compare myself to others, and I try very hard not to.
I cannot ever compare to anyone else because we are not the same. Apples and oranges, you know?
There are times, though, that it gets the better of me.

So, today is one of those days.
I feel unattractive, lazy, and impossibly stupid.

It will pass; I know that.
Right now, though, I feel awful.

Preach it, sister.

 

Recently, a Dove campaign video has been going around. The up-front message is one of hope.
But, as this Tumblr points out, there’s still an underlying message that beauty is all that matters.

This is probably one of the most well-written articles I have read regarding the Dove campaign.

d1 pic 1 photo See? Classy!Gathering of the Gypsies 1.19.2013 makeup

These are all me.
Some are old, some new, some are “altered”, some are naturally me.
All of them are beautiful.
But I am more than that.

I am a dancer, an activist, a hard-worker.
I laugh and cry and sing and get angry.
I play video games and read books. I cuddle with my kittens.
I love my husband.

It shouldn’t be about my face and body.
I am more than the physical.

Thanks, lady.

 

 

 

 

 

With how sick (and I’m talking violently sick) I got on Friday afternoon, and how much I feel like death right now. I am seriously concerned about endometriosis.
Those pain killers I popped can kick in any time now.

I only recently started having debilitating pain during girl-flu, but this is damn near unbearable, and the absolute worst it’s ever been.

As an aside – hubby bought me ice cream. He has know idea how to “handle” me right now, but he certainly knows how to try. 🙂

gurl