Category: Family


Ch-ch-ch-changes…

It’s been far too long since I’ve been here.
Life exploded and then imploded on me.

EXPLOSION!!!!

Our dance company got a new studio space (yay!) and we moved in, started classes, had a party, etc.
Class sizes for me are good – I teach the beginner level classes, and have had 5-9 people per class. Our other classes are doing well, too. We’re growing, and that’s great.

I was asked by another dance troupe to join them in dancing at the Festival of Nations event. It’s a pretty big deal for me.
I used to go to the event for my school language classes.
Now I get to dance there!

More than 100 ethnic groups participate in the festival to share their traditions, customs, food, arts/handicrafts, music and dances. You can see beautiful dance and music performances on three stages, watch educational demonstrations, shop the international bazaar, and sample the culinary delights of many different nations!
Vendors and organizations represent non-profit educational and ethnic organizations.
Al-Bahira will be performing Friday, Saturday and Sunday of the Festival, representing the nation of Egypt (on behalf of the Egyptian American Society)
~ and ~  for the first time, the Persian (Iranian) ethnic group will also be represented at the festival (with stage performances by Al-Bahira.)

IMPLOSION!!!

My marriage fell apart.
Like…. fell. the. fuck. apart.

I needed more from him than he could give me.
I wasn’t strong enough to maintain any hope that things would change.
He really tried. I love him for that.
He was beginning to put so much of the effort that I wished he would have had for so long.
But I had to prompt him to care again.
I shouldn’t have to force my partner to care for me.
I shouldn’t have to threaten to leave in order to get him to realize that I’m important.
I put so much effort into trying to force him to want to be a part of my life.
And, when he realized he would lose me, it was too late.
I knew that, if I stayed, I would forever dread that things would go back to the way they were.
That I would be lonely in his presence.

I don’t want to live in fear.

Last weekend, we I made the decision to end our marriage.
I hope that, sometime in the future, we can be friends.
I don’t hate him.
I’m not angry with him.
I will always have a special place in my heart for him.
He will always be one of my best friends.
Even if he wants nothing to do with me.

So now I move on.
My friends and family have been wonderful and supportive.
I am so incredibly thankful for that.

I am sad.
But I will be happy again.
And I hope he will, too.

moon and stars

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Merry Christmas!

I made myself a tree…

And then I made *myself* a tree:

And My family knew just what to get me:

makeup

Happy Pride Weekend!

June 28th & 29th marks the 42nd annual Pride festival in the Twin Cities.

I am not gay; I proudly support my LGBT friends.
Pride is a big deal.
And it’s important.

Unfortunately, I don’t think I can make it down to the celebrations this year. I have classes, a family get-together, and some major housework to get done.
But I’ll be celebrating at home.

Kinda like this:
pride

Celebrate.
Love.
Accept.

Ouch!

I’ve been pretty busy getting  my Adara Din blog up and running; I feel like I’ve neglected Searching For Brigid a bit.
It’s also this time of year, so I’ve had a lot on my plate on the home-front.

We were in a minor car accident last night… nothing terrible, and only our car was involved.
I’m pretty sore, but I’m not broken or even bruised. The car, however, is quite unhappy. There’s some cosmetic damage (dented front and rear bumpers), and the alignment is off, but we were able to drive home without too many issues.

Fortunately, hubby’s parents are able to give up a vehicle for the next few days until we can get his into the shop.

I’m going to go rest now.
Blessed Yule, everyone!

Ch-ch-ch-changes

I recently discovered that my body would be fine if I chose to get pregnant; something I was told long ago was not an option.

I’ve struggled with this for the last several weeks. It has put me in a pretty bad space, mentally. 

I love my husband deeply. That will probably never change. He’s been a huge part of my life for 17 years – more than half my life.

But I’m at a point where I have to tell him that I want to be a mother… and that will end our marriage.
I don’t know how I’m going to handle this.
And, because of our work schedules, I won’t really get to see him until tomorrow night.

::sigh::

There is nothing particularly outstanding about me. I’m okay with that, really.

Seriously, there isn’t anything in particular that makes me stand out. I am absolutely average in almost every way.

I am good at quite a few things, but I’m not really great at anything.
I’m also kinda bad at a lot of things, but there’s not much that I have completely failed at.

I’m of average height and weight.
I pretty much look like every other Midwesterner of Scandinavian descent. I’m not “media attractive”, but I get the occasional compliment and I don’t find that people snicker at my looks.

I have my own sense of style that is neither fashionable or not fashionable. I can wear jeans and a hoodie 75% of the year (I live in Minnesota, for Heaven’s sake; it’s easy to do).

When I was in school, my grades stayed around 3.5.
I went to college for a degree that I don’t use and don’t expect to at any point in the future.

The only debt I have is on the house we own.

I’m a good dancer, but not a great one. That’s something I am actively working toward, though.

I am very, very good at singly poorly (World’s Worst Irish Tenor competition honorable mention 5 of the last 7 years).

I’m terrible – horrible –  at making phone calls, but I am awesome with emails, texts, and instant messages.
(Funny thing… My Dad just called me and mentioned that I don’t call. So I had to mention that I was writing about the very subject.)
Really, the best way to get my on the phone is to send me a text that says, “Can I call you?”

I’ve done a few competitions in my life. I never finished first or last.

I’ve been injured, but not traumatically.
I have family friends who have/had some serious health issues, but I have been blessed to be relatively healthy.

I’m in the middle of everything, you see, caught in a place where I can go unnoticed by most people.
But I do have people that care.
And that is what matters to me.

Sometimes, being in the middle isn’t so bad.

Well… unless it’s like this. That was embarrassing.
embarrass

There’s that brief moment, when you turn on a television, that you feel and hear the electricity snap to life. Or when you’re in an older house and the hair on the back of your neck stands on end when you flip a light switch or start the dryer. You can feel it in your stomach, and you can hear that high-pitched whine deep in your head.

That’s how I feel when I am around people.

Everyone has this – hum. It’s a bit like a vibration.
Well…. it’s like when you can hear a vibration (kinda like when your cell phone goes off).
It’s a little like how I imagine mediums see auras; it’s just there.

I don’t really recall when I first noticed it, or when I finally realized what it was. It just clicked one day that other people, especially the toxic kind of people, were affecting me more than I thought was necessary.

I’m a bit of an empath.
Happy people make me very happy.
Being around angry people sometimes makes me violently ill.
Sadness can easily throw me into depressive episodes.

I’ve learned to read, for lack of a better term, the hum. It helps me avoid certain people in order to keep myself balanced.

It’s a lot like music; it can make you feel very intense emotions.

So this hum is a song. Everyone has their own song, and it stays the same for each individual, but the intensity, the dynamic of the song changes based on current mood.

The hum hits me square in the chest.
An angry hum feels like I’ve been kicked.
A sad hum pulls me out of myself, like I’m drifting into fog.
A happy hum feels a bit like a hug. It’s warm and calm.

I get overwhelmed at events, sometimes, because there is so much chaos. I get a ringing in my ears from the ceaseless echo of voices. It takes a hell of a lot of concentration to not panic. I will generally gravitate toward one or two people and focus on them.

I can feel my own hum all the time. And when my hum harmonizes with someone else’s, it’s a great feeling. It’s like I have my own little orchestra playing.

My friends all have this in common – their hum plays nicely with my own. Sometimes, their hums match up with the others’, too. That is usually when I am most contented. There are some friends, though, that (while I love them dearly) I cannot have around each other. It breaks my heart, but it’s for my own good. It’s not even that said friends cannot be around each other. It’s just that the vibration is so mis-matched that it gives me a headache.

drums

Late.

My period was more than a week late… it finally came late last night/this morning.

I have been regular for the last 7 years (miserable, but regular), so late freaked me the fuck out.
My regular pre-flow symptoms did not come, with the exception of a bit of acne that showed up a few days ago. I really, really tried to rationalize that this is all due to the fact that I started taking evening primrose oil and black cohosh supplements. It’s the most reasonable answer.

But I still started to panic.

So, yay; today I’m all bloaty and headachey. But… that’s not the reason why I am hostile.
I had to tell hubby (I’m horrible with secrets, and keep very few from him). I had to tell him that I was worried enough to buy a test. And, silly me, I had to ask him “What if?”.

It’s tough to answer that kind of hypothetical when you aren’t in that position.

But it comes down to this:
If I ever change my mind about having kids, my marriage would end. Period.
I haven’t really finished processing it, so I quite don’t know how I feel about it.
But part of me is angry. And part of me is sad. And another part is fairly indifferent to it all because I am pretty comfortable with my life and I don’t do well with change.

Today, Minnesota – my home state – became the 12th to allow same-sex marriages.
Yay!

We know how to celebrate.

35W Bridge

Outside the Capital building

 Rainbow half  Rainbow close

I know how to celebrate, too.  🙂

 

My mom is pretty darn cool.

Mom & her husband dressed up for our wedding.

Mom & her husband dressed up for our wedding.

Happy Mothers Day!

Mom with her first grandchild (my niece).