Archive for April, 2014


I wanted to expand a little on my Facebook status update from last night (3/31) for a few reasons, not the least of which being that it was late and I was typing it on my phone.

—-Original Post—-

“Confidence is sexy.”
How often, as women, do we hear that?
How many times today did I read that as a response to a friend’s status? Four. Four different friends had that response.
Do you know why I hate that phrase?
Because it’s a bullshit line.
Confidence *should* be sexy. But when a woman asks for what she wants or, Heaven forbid, demand it, she’s told that she is needy, demanding, and pushy (and a slew of other things).
We are, essentially, trained to shrink within ourselves. To be self-conscious and to think so little of ourselves so that we will not be seen as over-bearing.
Yes. We need to be confident and strong.
But YOU need to treat us like our wants are valid. Like we aren’t asking too much. Like it is acceptable and normal to have high hopes and goals.
I am confident.
But many times I feel I have to hide it because I just don’t have the patience to fight with people anymore.
You know what, though?
I am really, really tired of holding back.
So, fuck it.
I’m gonna be a goddamned star.

————–

Some of you may be wondering why I would be offended at someone telling me, even in a positive way, that my confidence is sexy.
Or maybe you’re not; it doesn’t particularly matter to me, but this post will probably bore and/or confuse you.

First of all, my attractiveness is not anyone’s business but my own. How I look, how I feel, cannot, should not, and will not be validated by how others see me.
I don’t need to *be* a certain thing to please others.

Secondly, by implying that only when I am “confident” (does it always have a particular look?) can I be attractive, you are invalidating all other emotions I may experience.
It’s like when someone (male or female, mind you) tells you that “you should smile more often; you’re so much prettier when you smile.”
It’s condescending.

Side note:
I had Glamour Shots photos taken several years ago. One photo hung on a wall, framed, in the art gallery where I worked. I cannot tell you how often I heard this (and variations of it):
“Oh my God, is that you?! You look really different. You look so pretty!”
They were trying to be nice… I suppose, but it hurt. They were essentially saying that I was not beautiful naturally. That the air brushed, coated-in-make-up me was stunning.

I trust very few people out there when it comes to my appearance – sexy or not.
And even then, I really only trust myself.

I don’t dress a certain way to please others. It’s pretty obvious that I live at the ass-end of the fashion world.
I wear blue jeans and hoodies, I wear my dance gear, I wear old sweatshirts that have been shredded by time.
I wear what makes me comfortable.
I have tattoos that mean things to me. I don’t give a damn if anyone else “gets” them. They’re for me and me alone.
I color my hair. Often.
I like how I look with different colors.
I wear next-to-no makeup on a daily basis. I don’t need to put color in my cheeks to please the masses.
I am more than okay with how pale I am.
That said, I enjoy wearing makeup. I like showing off different features in different ways, and playing with colors to see how they look on my face.
I do not do that for anyone but myself.

It may be a bit hypocritical to say that I do appreciate it when people tell me things like, “You look really good today.” or “That’s a great color on you.”
It is a bit of an ego boost, and I’m okay with that.
But…. I do not feel horrible or sad or like less of a woman if I don’t hear those things. Hell, I don’t even think about it.

If I want an opinion about how I look, I’ll ask.

I’m really fortunate to have people in my life that are supportive of me and my choices.
Rarely have my friends or family told me that I’d “look better if…”

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Confidence is:
The state of feeling certain about the truth of something.
I am confident that my looks have nothing to do with my feeling of confidence.

A feeling of self-assurance arising from one’s appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities.
I am confident that, regardless of how other people see me, I am beautiful, talented, intelligent, compassionate, and driven.

If someone chooses to see me differently, that’s their problem, not mine.

Rainbow Dash