Once upon a time, many, many years ago, I met a man.
I was with my boyfriend (now husband) at the time, and we were in college.

We were in the same class, Interpersonal Communications. Our group used to go out after class every week to a bar down the road. There were 6-8 of us, usually.
This particular guy was interesting. He was exciting and extreme, dark and covered in tattoos.
We bonded over movies and music.
And I loved him.

Don’t get me wrong, though, I love my husband (and did at the time, as well).
Hubby is my world and I cannot imagine my life without him.

But this love was different. This was passionate and indulgent and bright.
The love I share with hubby is clean and lasting and warm.

I couldn’t wrap my head around  loving two men. It was taboo and wrong.
So, I let one go. I had to, really, for the sake of my relationship with hubby.
It worked out for the best, I think.

But then…
I got an email.
Every fiber of my body hummed when I saw it.
I was sad and angry and hurt and exhilarated.

And it was just supposed to be a brunch… It ended up being 9 hours of drinking and talking and catching up.
I was absolutely terrified right up until I walked through the door.
Would the old feelings come rushing back?
Would I lash out in anger?
Could I even walk through the door?

As soon as I saw his face I knew I was making a bad decision. Everything I had ever felt came back in an electric wave.
And now I cannot stop thinking of him. My heart beats so fast that I feel like it will burst out of my chest.
I have an empty feeling in my gut, like being to hungry without the rumble.

Please don’t mistake me, for I still very much love my husband.
And it pains me to feel this way for someone else.
But it hurts more to think that I should disregard those feelings.

I spent years trying to forget, and never could.
And now…

Now I just don’t know.

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