Last night was bad.
The worst I have had in a LONG time.
I felt like my head was going to explode.

And I told hiim that.
I was tired of feeling cut off.
I am tired of feeling like a piece of furniture.

Honestly, I am tired of BOTH of us treating me like furniture.

It’s a combination of my husband being generally disconnected from society. He doesn’t like people. He likes me, but has no idea how to actually interact with me.
I would love to talk to him about my day… if I thought for a moment that he would care.
Oh, he cares that I am happy/satisfied. But he is just not interested in my job or hobbies. He is glad, though, that I have a job that I enjoy and hobbies that I love. He is concerned that I throw myself into things so fully that I get burned out.

Whaat bothers me is that I cannot vent to him.
I can’t talk to him about my day because he gets this glossy look in his eyes. I can’t unwind to him; it’s awkward and uncomfortable for the both of us.
Talking to him about dance is even harder. He just doesn’t care.

So last night I zoned out.
My brain spun and flew and banged against the inside of my head.
Every little thing that I felt I had done wrong, everything that I knew I failed at, all the things I did wrong…

I felt weak.
I felt useless.
I felt uwanted.

I wanted nothing more than to be comforted.
But I didn’t get that.

He sat, angry with me, in another room.

That didn’t help.

All I really, desperately needed was to feel his arms around me. I needed to hear that it would be ok.
But I didn’t.
I sat alone in the dark.
Crying.

I finally broke down, in a very loud, almost violent way, sometime around midnight.
I couldn’t keep it to myself anymore.
I needed him to know how I felt.

We were up for another 2 hours talking – which is what we needed.

I understand… I am totally hormonally imbalanced right now.
I feel a bit extra “crazy” and was, probably, overreacting.

But I felt distanced.
I still feel it a little.
It’s hard to say now, since it was just last night.
But I just feel like I am being kept at arms reach.

Because I have felt so far away, I have been compacent in my domestic “duties”.
I do things like laundry and dishes rarely. I clean litterboxes as needed.
I mostly just sit… on the computer or reading, in a world of my own.
I haven’t done much because I haven’t had any desire to do anything. That has made me less desirable.

Ugh.

I’m ready for bed.

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