Seriously, I’ve had some kind of funk in my brain. I would use the term depression, but I feel that it would take away from those folks who have been clinically diagnosed. But, needing a word to describe the last few weeks, that might have to do.

There’s been an overwhelming feeling of unease, insecurity, and self-loathing. I feel fat, lazy, and unmotivated to do anything about it, which makes me pissed off at myself  as well. I fall into bouts of unexplained sadness. There have been few moments of true happiness.

Even the comfort of kitten cuddles brings little joy. Sometimes, it makes me incredibly sad to have my girls with me. I love them, and find few things as relaxing as their purring (and even their snoring). But, since Peanut passed, it has been bittersweet.

And though this is my favorite time of year – Renn Faires, cool-but-not-cold weather (perfect for hoodies), dance events – I’m finding it hard to focus on all the good things that I normally look forward to.

Part of me feels lost. It’s like I’m missing something, though I don’t know what it is.
I’ve prayed to Brigid for guidance.
I’ve meditated… sat quietly in my room, soft music playing in the background (Susheela Ramen songs are great for that). I focus on the quiet, or find a beat in the music. I imagine my body is wrapped in a warm, golden light. It envelopes and soothes me. Beginning with my toes, I begin to feel a slight tingle, not entirely unlike that when your foot or hand falls asleep, but not the painful kind of tingle. That feeling travels up my legs and slowly spreads over my body. By the time I feel that my whole self is “fuzzy”, my mind is generally clear and I can drift off into my conscious.

But, I haven’t been able to get there.
It’s like I am preventing myself – or being prevented – from finding that tranquil place. My field. My garden.

Ugh.
Blargh.

I feel like I can’t relax.

“By divine accident, this splendid impression of beauty, fleeting and frail, shall forever remain the embodiment of grace.” — Anonymous.

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