Day One.

I cannot begin to put to words the immense pain in my heart. I’ve been on the verge of tears so many times today (and have cried twice).
It is a little easier, though.

I have tried to be rational about the whole thing. She’s in a much better place; out of the pain and suffering she was experiencing.

Could she have lived longer? Yes, probably. Would she be happy that way – with a permanent/semi-permanent feeding tube, anti-inflammatory and anti-nausea drugs, pain-killers, and liquid foods? No, I don’t believe she’d be ok with that.
If there is one thing I know about my Peanut, it’s that she loved food. You don’t get to be a 16 lb. fluff-ball by not enjoying food.

So it is getting easier. But when I’m alone and it’s quiet, I begin to doubt myself.
Did I make the right decision? Was she really ready? Was there something more I could have done?
I wish I knew the answers.

I danced tonight. It was wonderfully therapeutic. It took my mind off my troubles.
Peanut always sat and watched me dance. I could tell there were certain songs she preferred, so I would dance to those. I’m sure she was more interested in the tassels and shiny bits on my hip scarves, but I always felt like I had a fan.
So now, I dance for Peanut in a different way.

I don’t know if I believe in the kind of afterlife that involves spirits of loved ones looking after you. Or if I really believe in an afterlife.
I was raised Catholic, so reconciling human spirits and animal spirits and what happens to them is difficult. I learned at a young age that after death, there are 3 options: Heaven, Hell, and Purgatory. No matter where you ended up, though, your soul has no actual memory of the life you left behind. There was no romantic love in Heaven. You didn’t actually meet your grandparents and live happily with Scruffy on a cloud (because, you see, animals don’t have souls). There was only a general “love” feeling for the other souls around you.

I don’t prescribe to that notion at all.

I haven’t really figured out if I believe in reincarnation, or past-lives and whatnot. I’m still kind of searching for that. Maybe I’ll ask her if I get to see her again.

On a not-quite-related note, here is a stunning piece of artwork from ancient Egypt. She’s beautiful, isn’t she?

“The Bird Lady” was excavated by Henri de Morgan in 1907 from Tomb 2 at the site of Ma’mariya in Egypt, which dates to about 5,500 years ago.
‘The Dawn of Egyptian Art’ is on view at the Met from April 10 to August 5, 2012.