There is a hole in my heart that will never completely heal.

It is with heavy heart that I tell you about my Peanut. After days of deliberating, holding out hope that she would get better, we had to make the difficult decision to say goodbye.

After rescuing her almost nine years ago, I never thought that I would have so little time.
She was so sick when we got her, but we nursed her to health.

We learned about the cancer last fall. The prognosis was good; we’d still have years with her.
But we got six months.

I think I knew that it was time, but I wasn’t ready to accept it.
She was though. Ready to accept it. She had withdrawn from us and the other cats. She refused to eat or drink, even after days of medications and tube-feedings. Yesterday morning, she crawled into bed with me and cuddled. She sat with me and purred. It was so reassuring, I thought for sure she was getting better.
When I got home after work, I knew it was time. It was a difficult decision, one that neither of us wanted to make. But we had to.

I love Peanut. So very much.

Then the longest 16 hours of my life ticked by, leaving me feel guilty, angry, unsure, and afraid. Rationally, I knew it was the right decision. But I am a selfish creature. I didn’t want to let her go; a part of me still wishes I hadn’t. That wouldn’t be fair to her.

I held her face in my hands in her final moments, and I felt like my insides were being torn apart. I don’t think they will ever really get put back.

She is in a better place, though. No more pain and suffering.
But it still hurts.
——–

I have loved you from the day you came into my life,
and now it is time for me to let you go.
I could not watch you suffer,
I could not see you in pain.
Now you are free.
Your body is no longer sick,
or weak, or hurting.
Now you can run with the others,
playing and hunting as wild things do.
Because I loved you,
I had to let you go.
You will live forever in my heart.

——–

Bast, Sekhmet, we give you back your child.
Noble, regal, honorable cat.
Watch over her, and guide her on her way
to the spirit world.
May she be blessed in your names,
and hunt ever after beside you.

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